Mystical Angels

I am asking this again cuz I got no answers: I need serious help! I don't WANT to be like this!?

I feel like there is so much depresion in my life, and I cant handle any more of it! I am starting to blurt personal stuff out at school. I have always been great at keeping secrets, now I can't keep my own. I regret almost everything I say, and I know if my family knew people knew it would be horrible. I keep digging my nail into my wrist and hurting myself to distract myself from other pain. Mental pain. I want to kill myself even just to make the pain of living disapear, but I cant! I finally got up the nerve to tell someone all this and more (my mom) but she tells her boyfriend ev-er-y-thing! Plus she took me to a therepest without telling me! I responded to this by staring at the clock and crying for an hour, refusing to speak and refusing to let my mom tell anyone anything about me. I know I probably need help, but I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone, especially not some stranger. I speak through my writing. Yes, I do write; and I love it. It's the only time I dont feel trapped and scared and miserable. That and horse back riding. But sometimes I don't feel like it, and I just freak and have an anxiety attack. Or sometimes I just can't, having the same result and making me hurt myself to concentrate on physical pain instead of mental. I think I am going emo now to. And I don't want to be emo. I was always that shy, quiet girl who was noisy and loud around friends. Now I am that private in-her-own-world girl. One minute I will be loud and having fun, next someone says something and I am punching the wall, causing my hand to turn red to keep myself from crying right then and there. I am loosing all my friends too. The other day at school, I was goofing around and made one of those fortune tellers. Well my friend used it and did it to this guy in my grade, and he said all the answers were emo. I can't forget that now. I took the fortune teller from him, ripped it up, kicked a chair, and walked away. I stayed quiet and depressed the rest of the day, then school let out and now it's spring break. The thing is, I don't WANT to be like this. I fight it. I don't want to be/seem emo, I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want any of this. I so desperately want life to go back to how it was two years ago. I guess I really only act emo-ish and wear dark colors. I don't listen to emo music or anything else. But I still feel like I am turning emo. And I really don't want to. So my question is, how do I change this? Don't say therepist. That is NOT an option. I really need to know how I can get rid of these dark thoughts. Is there a way? Also I am 11-years-old. My moods also change real quick. One minute I will be perfectly calm, next I am screaming at my big brother for no real reason. I also can't get a proper amount of sleep. I will sleep from 1am till 5pm, no sleep for over 24 hours, etc. I haven't been to sleep before 12 in weeks. Sometimes I remember things that never happened too. I think I may of had a life before this one, as crazy as it sounds. I feel things that I shouldn't because nothing happened to make me feel that way. I sing melodies I don't know and have never heard. I remember things that aren't from this age. It is so creepy. I can send my writing to the therapist, but I really don't want to talk to some person I barely know about my feelings and all. Doing something I love really helps, as well as listening to certain songs. But writing only sometimes helps. What I really love I can no longer do, and that's ride. Horseback ride.

Public Comments

1. send some of your writing to the therapist, so he or she CAN see what you are experiencing even if you can't talk.
2. don't bottle up your feelings. it will eventually cause deep depression and anxiety attacks and other things like you've listed. just tell your problems to someone or write them in a diary daily to make yourself feel better. just let it out (:
3. what are you doing on yahoo answers please go get help! go to therapy (it helps) go do something you enjoy go help out in your community or something maybe taking your mind off of yourself and focusing on others will help you.
4. Emo is just a label people put on you. however, accodring to the world's definition of emo, you are emo. however, you can cure it. What you have is a chemical imbalance. you're mom s right in taking you to a thereapist, so you should talk to them. they can actually help even if you do hate them. I'm sixteen and i was like you when i was 11. I didn't let anyone help me and i turned out even worse. Please make the right decision and talk to therapists and counselers. they'll gve you medicine and stuff t make thing better.
5. Therapy can be good, even with a stranger. Being in therapy forces you to explain your behavior and thoughts. This forces you to understand them. Sometimes our minds can run away from us and spin out of control. therapy makes you slow it down and examine each piece. The goal is not to just share in therapy, the goal is to practice it there adn then use it in your real life. There's a good book called "The Asian Diet: simple secrets for eating right, losing weight, and being well" by an acupuncturist. There's a lot about eating right, but also a fair amount about how to be happy. Eastern philosphy can be very comforting, and this guy does a good job of explaining it. http://www.theasiandiet.com ps, past lives are common. There are (a few) good psychic readers that can tell you more about your past lives. This can give you insight into issues you have in this life.
6. Hey, Im 20 but when I was 10-11 I suddenly became reallly depressed, I felt suicidal & sad all the time. until I told my mom & she took me to the doctor who put me on anti depressants. The antidepressants made me feel normal again!! I think its because your hormones are being released in higher amounts because of puberty. These excess hormones can have some nasty side effects, like the mood swings you described... PLEASE, You need to tell your mom or dad OR your Doctor that you are depressed & that you have suicidal feelings. (You need to take anti depressants. I know depression can be overwelming but honestly I went through it & I promise your its only TEMPORARY! You will NOT feel like this forever, It will go away but usually it takes a year or so... If you have any other questions or just need someone to talk to feel free to email me at FearNloathing88@yahoo.com <3 Kate BTW* possible bipolar disorder could be the cause of all your symptoms. Bipolar disorder usually surfaces (begins) around the age of 10-14. During mania the person doesnt sleep much, &during manic stages they are moody, depressed, suicidal, & argue a lot... people with bipolar disorder have big mood swings going from high (happy) to low (angry/sad) in seconds/minutes out of no where... sometimes something small will trigger it & the person will flip out over little things/nothing. Anways I hope you start to feel better, Please contact me if you want to talk, && please dont kill yourself trust me its not worth it, you have no idea how that will effect EVERYONE in your life..*they will all blame themselves, everyday wishing they had done something/anything differently/to help you! My friend killed himself & I will never ever get over it or be ok, its fckd me up + all his other friends & family its something that can never be taken back.
7. i suffer from the same things. its really tuff i know, but dont do any thing. cause no matter what you may think people in the world do love you. while it may be hard now things get better. depression is really hard to deal with, but you just gotta find something you love and use that to fight your depression, i for one play baseball when ever i wanna kill myself. your writing is good. try to right songs and not sad songs. and listen to alot of happy songs. beilive me, i have had it real bad. just hold on. finally, the most helpfull thing in the world is a loved one. you have to talk about it or it will kill you from the inside. listen to this song over and over its great, might have even saved my life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zut0TznmSu0