Mystical Angels

Faith Statement Essay Feedback Please :)?

Describe your relationship with Jesus Christ, sharing experiences and/or influences that are contributing to your spiritual development. We are interested in both the sum of your thoughts and the way in which you articulate them to us. This personal statement adds to our picture of who you are and is crucial to our evaluation of your application. (A typical essay will be at least two to four paragraphs in length.) I am trying to cover what I believe, where my beliefs came from, and why this college would help my relationship with Jesus Christ what do you guys think? should I make it more paragraph essay format? encorporate more or less of something, be less personal? C.S. Lewis once defined faith as “the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.” Though I still have many things to learn there are some beliefs that I have always clung to. There are that big ones that all Christian’s believe, such as the fact that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, how much he loves us, heaven, hell, etc. Though I strongly believe in all of those things, I think the base of my faith comes purely from observing the world around us. With everything in such a perfect balance I can’t fathom all of this perfection forming from a tiny bacteria, stardust. Aside from evolution, the big bang, and other scientific theories as to how the world was created, I have found most science to only be a further confirmation of my faith. I don’t understand how scientists can study how plants take in carbon dioxide and produce oxygen while we humans do the opposite and so many other completely perfect systems, and not acknowledge that some greater thought had to have gone into it all. It is easy to look at all the suffering, from global wars to problems in our family and ask, “How could a loving God allow such things to happen?” But another belief that I have clung to that no matter how hard a circumstance you are faced with, God has a plan and reasoning behind it, no matter how incomprehensible it may be. Through out a good portion of my life my relationship with God was based on my need. When I needed him I would ask but otherwise I was very independent. There was camp and church retreats, which always brought me to those spiritual highs but they only lasted so long. It wasn’t until my parent’s relationship started to get rough that I really discovered my need for his love and power. I vividly remember one night after a bad fight. As I heard my mom’s car drive away I went down to my room and cried out to God asking him to bring her home, twenty minutes later she was back. Each night I prayed that God would work in their relationship and heal it. Well God is truly omnipotent for their relationship is now stronger than ever. During this time I didn’t understand why God would put my family and I through such turmoil, but now I see how he has used it to bring us all closer to Him as well as each other. Now that I have learned that I cannot get through life without God I am looking for the next step. I am looking for an environment that will help me to be successful after graduation but will also give me lifelong relationships and experiences that will strengthen my relationship with God. I feel that ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑ is the perfect place for that. even if you aren't Christian could you please just critique my grammar and organizational skills? thanks!

Public Comments

1. Faith is believing in something because you wish to believe it, regardless of the evidence for or against it. C.S. Lewis' quote is just a strange twist on the concept. It's basically saying that you once held something as true because of the evidence available for you at one time. Then later, as new evidence came in, you still held onto that old belief, whether or not the new evidence supported your old view. It implies that holding onto old beliefs is a good thing, and the only reason they would change is a mood shift. But if the old belief is really based on reason, it is not faith in the first place. Your next argument pretty much amounts to "I don't know how this happened, so God must have done it." The "perfection" you see in the world is really just your biased view of it. The planet and galaxy sized explosions in the universe don't directly affect you. The suffering of people, the senseless violence, and daily torment in most people's lives don't directly affect you. The messy struggle in the rest of the animal kingdom doesn't directly affect you. So, you're able to sit back and imagine it is somehow perfect. Somehow, the mess in the rest of the world is offset by your mom coming home when you wanted her to. Instead of giving your parents credit for working things out, you attribute it to some unseen force. Overall, the content is fairly shallow and naive. It's hardly college material, but should do well in an instutition that is more interested in Christian indoctrination than real study. Of course, you should really check out this college and see how easily its credits transfer to other universities before committing yourself to it. You want a college that is a peer among other colleges, not just a Sunday school class.
2. You sound really smart. Shame you wasted your time on such a useless subject. It has about as much impact as it would had it been about you believing in Zeus.
3. You do have punctuation/grammar errors, plus one or two typos. Some of your sentences lack parallel structure. Organization: I don't think that quote works very well with your essay. I mean, it's related to it somewhat, but not really. I think you need some kind of transition between your paragraph about observation to your paragraph about experience, a connection somehow. Content-wise: Your essay is...nice, I suppose. It does give insight to your thoughts and experiences, but I'm not sure if it's strong enough. There are no profound revelations -- your ideas/development in faith are actually quite common. Of course, your essay could still be very original despite this, but it's not at that point yet. Find ways to evoke emotions with your words, and make a reader empathize with you. I'd suggest editing, if not restarting the entire thing. Maybe instead of trying to cover so many different things, you could concentrate on one very specific experience, and talk about how that influenced you ;) Good luck!! **EDIT: what kind of college are you applying to with this? If it's a school like Notre Dame, that essay will definitely not work. if it's a less prestigious school, you'll get a little more slack (though not enough to get away with a weak essay).
4. Don't end your sentence with a preposition. Don't say "etc." Read it again slowly and put commas where you pause in your speech. Don't start a sentence with "But." It weakens the sentence preceding it. Rewrite that sentence in the Middle paragraph. You are saying something profound but in an awkward way. "Another belief that I have is..."