Mystical Angels

People are starting to wonder why I don't date, or have a boyfriend?

and I figured in a small town, word would get around as to why. I've only spoken to a few people about my issues from being raped more than six years ago. Yes, I'm aware that rape counseling might help, but even after all this time, I can't seem to make it to those meetings. Although since I was a girl, a teenager, a young gal and now older, just not OLD, I have been violated. I know all of this to be very common. And I always bounced back from those previous violations. I've lost my trust. I'm still in a healing phase? But as feminine as I still remain, I'm still pursued and I just can't take the first step with a man;conversation is strictly platonic, and the moment I receive the flirty eyes, body language or he comments on how beautiful I am, and oh so sweet, easy to talk to. I find some reason to run away. It doesn't help, that the man who violated my person, did the same to both my sons, in which they didn't tell me until after "I" was raped and hospitalized. They are doing very well. I put all my time and energy and court appearances in, on their behalf but the man went free(???) But the counceling and spiritual aspect of my strong stance, pulled them through and they walk solid ground. So why, now, that I have the time and found a place to hopefully heal, can I not dare speak out-loud. I have never spoken to anyone about the details aside from a rape counselor a day after it happened. I feel frozen, and don't even have friends anymore for lack of socializing. I'm glad my boys are adults now. But I won't even get close to a woman in possible friendship because I know it will expose me to men. I don't hate men. And I have great memories of other relationships with men, platonic and serious. I'm not gay, which I hear can happen to some women after such evil-doings. But I'm straight. How do I take the first step. What is the first step? Well, it's almost time for this weeks rape-counceling meet, and I can't get past my front door. And what do I say to people as this continues? They are only neighbors, but still they all gave up on trying to get me over for that cup of coffee, or Friday night feast. That's when the nastiness began. I was never rude, just always a no show.Whispers, and gossip I catch..."Why is she always alone?" "She thinks she's too good for us" Or the most famous one of all, "she never comes outside, and why does she walk like...?I don't catch the rest. It is mostly women that do the chatting. Am I suppose to send out flyers to the neighborhood, or an add in the paper that reads 'Hey, I'm a frigid witch, don't mind me!' No, I'm not sick, atleast not physically. PTS, yes, but don't go around shouting that from the mountain tops. And, don't feel sorry for myself, but the pain feels like a knife, the length of my body, just chopped into me, and every time I try to take a step forward, the knife pushes deeper inside.

Public Comments

1. Kinda seems like this is the first step. The other could be - suppose you offer to talk to others like you. The difficultly with carrying this burden is the way it feels like it separates you from others. But if you speak to other victims of similar crimes - you could feel kinship. You might not even have to use words. I say join an online help group. Then maybe from there you might make the next step to meeting face-to-face with the same or a similar group. God bless!
2. Dear Sela, first let me express my most humblest and heartfelt empathy for you. I heard someone say once, "Time may indeed heals all wounds but some wounds leave scars." While I would never dare presume to know how you feel, I do know how being betrayed by someone close can make it exceedingly difficult to allow oneself to be open and vulnerable to anyone. Unfortunately, that is just what it takes to win yours or anyone else's trust. I don't believe it to be unreasonable of you to want/demand more genuine assurances of someone/anyone seeking your affections given the indescriable events you have survived. By all means, raise the bar. It is your God given right to determine who is to enjoy you as an acquaintance, as a friend, and as a lover. It has long been my opinion that people in general use the term 'friend' far too casually; the terms friend and acquaintance are anything but synomous. This would be a good place to start. And if I may be so bold, please, when your ready seek professional support. Facing this with the help of a trained professional is necessary in order to insure it doesn't prevent you from enjoying your life to the fullest.